On Tuesday I got back from an eleven day trip in China. The last thing that I ever wanted to do was to leave China and to come home. From the moment that I got off of the plane in Chicago to now, I hate being back in the States. I hate the distractions and routines that tempt me to forget about China. I am afraid of losing the memories of things that burdened my heart. I am afraid of losing the realization I had that I have the responsibility to tell people about orphans. I am afraid of losing my passion to fight for them, for their lives, for their futures, and for their dignities. As I spend more time here I find myself falling back into routine. My thoughts are becoming absorbed with superficial and unimportant things. If I’m not careful I find myself forgetting their faces, their stories, their laughter, and forgetting what I vowed to myself I would never forget. And with time the good feelings from the trip are fading. I can’t cling to the good feelings but cling to God’s goodness and to the things that He taught me through the hard things that I saw. God gave me my trip to China so that I could see things that would inspire me to fight for his children. But I think that it’s so much easier to give into the distractions here at home. Many of the things that I saw were so heart breaking that it is so much easier and less painful to forget about the suffering faces. It’s so much easier to think about what I’m going to watch on TV tonight, to think about what I’m going to do tomorrow, or to think about what time I want to go to bed. And when I remember a dying child’s face that I saw, I literally feel my soul, heart, and body sink under the weight. I hate that feeling because suddenly I feel guilty. Why am I alive? It’s not fair. Why do I have loving family and friends but they have no one? It’s not fair. Why are they fighting for their lives and I’m worried about what I’m going to watch on TV? It’s not fair. But suddenly I realize that feeling guilty isn’t going to save them. In fact, I’m not going to save them all. I live in a fallen and broken world with pain and hurt, yet God is still a loving and merciful God. He is God and I am not. Jesus is the Savior, and I am not. He has a plan, better than any plan I could ever make up. He is good and He has them wrapped in His arms.
The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
They feast on the abundance of your house,
and you give them drink from the river of your delights.
For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light do we see light.-Psalm 36:7
And because God loves me and he loves every single one of his children, I am sure that He will never let me forget their faces.
You have such an amazing heart and beautiful spirit! I am so inspired by you! And I full heartedly agree. With everything. We live in this bizarre catch-22, we can't stay at Maria's forever, but we can't return to our lives before we had been there. It's trying to find this balance of still living yet still being burdened by what we've seen and to channel that into action. But if you dwell too long in what we've experienced, it makes you just want to shut down at the unfairness and injustice of it all. Why? Why me and not her? Or him? What have I done to be adopted and given all of this opportunity in life? For me, it sends me back to grace. This experience of seeing what my life could have been had I still been in the orphanage contrasted with the life I have now, has been the epitome of the picture of grace for me. Because there was nothing I could have done to be adopted, yet because of the grace and mercy of God, I was. And as result, I do feel a responsibility to do what I can for these children. I love that video you did with Brooke Fraser's song, I was totally gonna use that same song for a slideshow myself! But it perfectly sums up everything that's in my heart, "Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead." I love you Sarah! And I am so proud of the young woman you are! And the passion and conviction and zealousness you have at your age. I am so excited to see what God is going to do in and through you by your obedience and willingness to follow.
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