Dear Liliana: Praying

Dear Liliana,

Today, I saw a child that reminded me of you. All I could see was his body as his face was buried into his mother, but his jet black hair and small frame reminded me of you. I felt like my stomach dropped to my knees for those few brief seconds when I really believed that it was you. Oh, how I miss you. Oh, how I worry about you. I love you, more than you will probably ever know. You are precious to me, special to me, and I pray that one day you can feel a love like the one that I have for you.

I babysat two little children today. As we run around the house going to the 'beach' and 'camping', I realize how much I love these little children. But, the minute that I realized how much fun I was really having and how much I was really enjoying myself, I realized that I wanted to be with you. I want to swoop you into my arms and hold you close to my body, only to let you go so that we can go off and play together. You can drag me around,  we can play with dolls and you can live, just like a precious little girl should.

But, instead of holding you in my arms, I post your picture around my room, my phone, my computer, my car, wherever I can so that when I see your bold eyes and your dark hair I can pray fervently to our God, praying for your forever family. There are nights when I can't sleep, because when I close my eyes, I think about you. I wonder where you are, I wonder what you are doing, and I wonder how you are feeling. God has given my heart a burden for the plight of orphans all around the world, but he has burdened my life and my soul with you. There are days when I wonder why I can't stop thinking and worrying about you and there are days when I want to cry out to God in anger because I wish I had never met you, the burden seems too heavy to carry. How can I live my life, knowing that on the other side of the world, you live a life, void of a family? And how can I continue live comfortably when the love that I feel for you weighs heavy on my mind?

I pray, that one day our paths will cross again. I pray that you will have a forever family that loves you and cherishes you through all of your days. And I pray that I will never ever forget you and that I will never ever stop praying on your behalf. I pray that God will bring you little comforts and little joys throughout your day and that when you close your eyes to sleep at night, you will have sweet dreams.  I pray that one day you will see the light, life, and love that Jesus brings us and that one day you will allow him to be your savior so that we can spend eternity together in heaven. I am praying for you. And I love you.

Love,

Sarah

Dear Liliana

 My precious Liliana,

I can't get you off my mind today. Your little face has been plastered in my mind, your precious little words and voice are stuck ringing in my years, and your beautiful brown eyes have been digging deep into my soul; it's almost as if you were here with me, in my arms. Oh darling, how I pray that one day, you may rest in someone's arms. Day and night I pray that somehow, in his wondrous ways, God will give you a forever family. A family that will love you, cherish you, and express to you how special and worthy you really are.

I know that you have moments when you realize you aren't like all of the other children. Something just isn't right, but no one is really sure what's wrong with your body.  I wish somebody knew what was wrong, so that they could help you.  To me, you are precious no matter what, but I fall on my knees in earnest prayer for you. I let  tears stream down my face as I cry out to God for your sake. I wish that you could run and play like all the other little children, that you could manage somewhat by yourself, and that your little body functioned normally. It breaks my heart that no one is  carefully taking time with you, to carefully check your little body, to carefully observe you, to carefully take x-rays, to carefully take your temperature, or to carefully diagnose you, so that we could carefully figure out how to heal you.

You are the reason that I cried Liliana. The other day I got to tour a big hospital in my city that takes care of disabled or sick children, children like you. It is one of the best hospitals in our country. I was on a special floor where they take the sickest of the sickest, they figure out what's wrong with them and they help them get better. It was amazing how much care and love each patient was receiving. A team of doctors and nurses attended each child and knew what each patient's situation was and spent a lot of time trying to figure out to help each patient.  The hospital itself was breathtaking and wonderful. But, I couldn't help but think of you.

I want you to have  team of nurses and doctors that will spend however long it takes just to figure out what you need, just to figure out what makes you most comfortable, just to care for you. Every bone in my body wanted to fly quickly and pick you up, bring you back with me and set you in one of those beds. And after bringing you here, I wanted to run up and down the hallways yelling- "COME LOOK AT HER! She needs help! Please, help her! I love her." And in my prayerful vision you would be healed, you would be happy and safe, and your body would be 'normal'.

But, this world is not 'fair' and you have done nothing wrong to 'deserve' your situation, it is the result of a sinful and broken world. I wish with every part of my being that you could be here and I could hold you and love on you and care for you. Instead, you sit on the other side of the world. I'm not sure if you are still alive and well, I'm not sure what you are doing at this moment- eating, taking a bath, playing, crying, but I do know you are breaking my heart. From half way around the world. So, although I cant come pick you up and bring you to one of the best hospitals in the world, I will run through the hallways of my life and I will cry out on behalf of  all orphans and their plight. I will scream so that others may see that they need help. I will fight a fight that the orphans of the world may not be able to fight for themselves, all because of you.

I love you so much! I pray that the next time I see you, you will  be with your forever family, and alive and well. ;) I love you, my baby girl.

Sarah

Beautiful Things

I returned on Saturday from Peru. It was yet another eye-opening, unforgettable, life-changing, God inspired, humbling trip. And on the last day- Friday, nothing was appealing or exciting about coming home. I wanted to stay. Badly. Sure, I couldn't wait to take a hot shower, to eat some American food that wasn't rice, chicken, or potatoes, and to see my friends and family. But there was just something about leaving that day that I didn't want to have to go through. I didn't want to feel the pain of leaving my second family behind, never knowing if I would ever see them again, of leaving a lifestyle and a country that I had fallen in love with, of leaving a place where I felt more close to God then I was when I was at home, of leaving behind an  orphanage filled with hundreds of precious children, of coming home to a selfish and ignorant society.

All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around a pole. They would have to pry me away and drag me back home.

On the last day I had some time to myself where I was able just to sit and listen to my music, hoping to hear guidance from God.

The church that I stayed at was five stories tall and a lot of it was open to the outside. I was sitting on a stairwell and looking out over the city of Comas, Peru, reflecting. Comas is hard to explain, unless you've been there. The city is made of brick, cement, stone, and cardboard and it's covered in layers of dust.  I was both in awe and despair as I stared out at the city. My heart felt burdened for the people of the city, for those that were suffering, for those that needed a savior, and for those who didn't know Their Savior. I suddenly became very discouraged. How much could I do? I had been to Peru four times before and I didn't see any difference. What was the point?

I had become desperate to know why and so I finally began straining to hear God's voice, and I heard it playing in my ears- a song called "Beautiful Things". Tears began streaming down my face.

The Beginning of the song sounded like my cry to Jesus:

All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all

And as I looked out at Comas, a city where very little grows, I was crying out to Jesus- "Could anything ever grow in this place?" But, God answered in the song.

[I] make beautiful things

[I] make beautiful things out of the dust

[I] make beautiful things

[I] make beautiful things out of [you]

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in [Me]

Out of dusty Comas, he made it beautiful.  I realized that it was BEAUTIFUL. Amidst the dirt, and the chaos. The city was breathtaking. The people, amidst their chaos and amidst their hardships- Jesus was giving them life. Period. I couldn't make the city or the people something that they weren't. But, God has a plan for Comas and those people. They are beautiful because He made every brick, stone, and piece of cardboard that makes up Comas. He made every single person in Comas. Every single person's soul is beautiful with Jesus. Period.

The Uncomplicated Simplicity

I have to be right. I have to know everything. I have to have it all figured out. I have to understand. I have to have it all together. And in those often times that I'm not perfect, I fake it all. I can't be dumb, I can't be imperfect, I can't be inadequate, and I can't fail. I must be perfect. End of story. There are days that I am sorely disappointed in myself and life- I'm not perfect. I know nothing, I sin all the time, I can't even figure out my own emotions, and don't understand anything. But someone else is perfect for me. Jesus Christ came to earth in human form and was perfect and is perfect. He has erased my sins and now I'm free. I don't have to be perfect. I am sinful, I am human, and I am forgiven. So why do I always forget that?

I try to be in control. I make things more complicated then they really are. I try to figure the world out, when God has already figured it all out for me. I just have to trust in him. Period.

Jesus is my Savior; I am not my Savior. Period. Jesus is perfect; I am not. Period. It's so revolutionary, yet it's so simple.

The other night I was laying out beneath the stars talking to my friend on the phone. Stars are something that I take for granted. If you've ever just laid beneath them and stared up into their depths you see how magnificent they are. They seem so simple, so perfect in the sky, and so breathtaking. I love reflecting beneath the stars.

We were talking about the pain associated with dealing with what we've seen in China, and about the feelings of hopelessness that we can sometimes feel. I was staring at the stars listening to what she said when suddenly she said something that literally made me stop breathing- "God has gone before us and after us." (Deuteronomy 31) Those words  shook me so hard because I suddenly realized how simple it was. God had created every orphan that I have held, and he created them and loved them long before I had ever held them. He was going to be with them long after I was gone. What was I fearing? God has them in his hands. As I stared at the stars I felt like kicking myself for my stupid complications. If God had made these beautiful, magnificent, and amazing stars then what was I fearing? Why was I hopeless? God made the heavens and the stars, just as he made every single child. Just as he held the stars in the skies, he was holding those children. It was so simple. They had hope. Period. I have hope. Period.

A couple of nights later I was struggling with understanding what I had to do to become more like Christ. I was struggling with feeling defeated in life, struggling with relationships, and struggling with understanding where I belonged in the world. I couldn't really decide my next step. What did God want me to do? I decided to just open my bible and start reading. I began reading passages that Paul (my favorite missionary) wrote. I was reading the words without really absorbing anything, when suddenly I read something revolutionary- "Above all else, love each other deeply." What?! That was it. Love each other deeply. That’s all I have to do. Love. Period. Love each other deeply. Again, it was so simple. Love my siblings, love my parents, love non-believers, love my enemies, love those annoying people, love my peers, and love my God. Period.

I am slowly gaining understanding that God's love isn't complicated, it's simple. He loves me just because. He has it all figured out for me. Period. It's no longer complicated. It's uncomplicated simplicity.

Wishing to Return

Within the past week, I had a lot of time to sit and think. My mind was empty, I was somewhat at peace, I had nothing to do, and I thought I was spiritually ready to move away from missing China. Instead, when my mind was empty and quiet, it was suddenly flooded with memories about precious children that I had left behind in China, in Peru, and in Haiti. I found myself repeating their names and their faces in my head. In moments when I was sitting in the quiet of God's nature, I heard their laughs and their cries, in moments when I was watching the sun setting, I saw their precious eyes, and when I sat still on the waters my arms ached to hold them again. I had finally become fully burdened. I couldn't forget about them. I couldn't move on and I suddenly found myself wishing to return like I've never wished before.

Weeks ago my friend posed the question of how beneficial a simple 'return' could be. I couldn't change their situation, my return wouldn't give them a brighter future, and my return wouldn't suddenly give them a family. Amidst my desperate and sudden desire to be back I realized that she was right all along. Even if I did return, they wouldn't suddenly be saved.

I began questioning myself as to why I wanted to return so badly. I realized that it was because I wanted to know that they are okay. When they are in my arms, whether laughing, crying, or sleeping, I know that for the moment they are okay. They are safe, warm, and well fed, and I am comforted.  I had forgotten that these children aren't mine; they're God's and in his arms will they be taken care of and comforted.

I know that God is there with them, but it's still a daily struggle and I am still burdened daily. One night I was searching for comfort from God within his Word. He revealed the perfect passage:

For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength hat we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.

I have SEEn things that have burdened my heart and my soul to the very depths, sometimes to the point that I wish I had never seen them. But although I may be burdened, God has taken my burdens away and he has them now in his hands and in him do I find hope. A hope that is not wishful or uncertain, but a definite and promising hope that my Jesus is good and that he takes care of ALL children. God is good.

God has my precious Emily in his hands. He will comfort her. He is good. He is my Savior and he is her Savior.

Learning to Take a Guilt-free Family Vacation

I’m finally on vacation. After a long school year, a trip to Peru and China, then a week straight of preparation for the next Peru trip, I’m on vacation, trying to relax. Everything is perfect. The lake is peaceful, the birds are singing, the weather is serene, and except for the occasional bat flying around in my room at night, I finally have no distractions. I feel as if I can just sit, be quiet, and think.

But when I do sit down to think and reflect I can’t stop thinking about Maria’s Big House of Hope in China. It’s almost like every time I close my eyes I can see one of their precious faces. Or when I think about how much fun I’m having with my family and suddenly I remember that they don’t have a family. Or when I’m laughing at my parents for being a little bit dorky and I remember that they don’t even have parents. Or when I heard a mouse in my room last night and I ran downstairs to get my dad, who even though he didn’t believe me, he did try to listen for it and I think about the nights that they may have nightmares or hear a scary sound and they don’t have anyone to run to.  

The truth is that it is hard. It’s hard living this life when I’ve seen and thought about their lives. It’s also hard to remember that I can’t feel guilty for my lifestyle but instead I should be thankful. It’s hard to feel an urgency like I always need to be doing something for them, working hard, and not relaxing, but then remembering that even Jesus took time to be alone with himself and God (which is also himself…) without any distractions. He took time to invest in the lives of the people around him instead of always spending time ministering to masses of people.

That’s something that I learned in China. Orphan care is hard but it is also sort of easy to make sacrifices for it because it's orphans.  It’s a struggle with orphan care- to not get so wrapped up in caring for others that I forget about caring for the most important people in my life, my family. But I’ve learned that the more that I care about my family and the harder I try to build up my relationships with them, then the more fervently I can work at orphan care because the more freed I feel.

So in the end, it all goes back to family.

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.

-Proverbs 17:17

Selfish Pity Parties

I once saw a little boy who was dying. Despite my initial reaction to try to ignore it, I could tell that he wouldn’t make it another week. I sat by him, trying to hold back my tears, but at the same time all I could think about was my many material things that I had at home- my little car, my precious computer, and my beautiful room. I thought about every time that I wished I had ‘more’ and ‘better’; the times that I wished my car was brand new, my computer was faster, and my room was bigger. For that reason I hated myself at that moment. I was so selfish and I needed to see a dying little boy to realize it. At that moment I vowed to myself that I would never again be selfish. There was nothing I could do for this little boy, I couldn’t save him and I couldn’t really even comfort him; but I knew that I never again would have anything to be selfish about.

The problem with humans? With myself? I’m awful at keeping promises, even with myself. Because I’m sinful and selfish. Within moments and even days of being home I broke my promise and I was selfish again.

My blatant hypocrisy didn’t hit me until the other day. I was lying in bed with a sinus infection.  My head hurt, my throat hurt, I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted it to stop. My mom was on a much deserved vacation, and my dad was taking a much deserved nap. No one was coming to ‘comfort’ me. I selfishly began to cry. I started crying because no one was there. Not because I was in pain, but because no one was next to me. But suddenly I stopped. What was I doing? Sure, I was sick. Sure, I didn’t feel good. But I do have support, I do have people who love me, they just weren’t there at that moment. They didn’t need to be there to know that they love me. All of a sudden I couldn’t get that precious little boy’s face out of my head. He was dying and had NO ONE. I wasn’t dying. I just had a cold but I have everyone, my family, my parents. I had no reason or right to cry. I was fine. That day I decided that it was time that I tried my hardest to stop my selfish pity parties and instead channel my energy and emotion to doing all I can for those less fortunate, for those more desperate than me, and for those who haven’t yet received the free gift of salvation. It’s time that I stop worrying about myself and instead give myself to God’s work, fully and completely.

Philippians 2:3

But in humility count others more significant than yourselves

My Precious Lilies from Maria's Big House

I’m often asked how China went. Simply said, it was the best trip I’ve ever been on. The reason was because my soul was heavy with desperation, but I felt relief in God’s goodness. My heart was darkened with pain, but God gave me a peace because of the hope and the joy that I can find in him.



Liliana

There was a day that I experienced a giant milestone of every child’s life- their first steps. I played with a little girl named Liliana. She is a precious and solemn little girl. She’s the observer. Anyone who walks into the room is succumbed to the gaze her big brown eyes. She rarely shows emotion but is obviously very attentive to what is going on around her. From almost the moment I met her she reminded me of myself. I love watching people, but I don’t really like to reveal my real feelings.

I had been in her room a lot this week and she would always just sit there and stare. Surprisingly, she would let me pick her up, hold her, and play with her. About halfway through the day she was playing intently playing with my camera until the nannies brought a walker into the room to help the kids learn how to walk. Lilana immediately observed this new toy and decided she wanted to play with this tow. I took her over to it, thinking that she would just touch it and then be done. But she wanted to stand up with it.

This was the first time that I had seen her stand up and I assumed that it was the first time she had ever stood up, based on the reaction of the nannies. Usually she would scooted and crawled without using her legs much. But soon we were slowly walking around the room with the walker. I would gently pull it and she would move her feet to move along with it. At first her legs were very weak and unstable, within a couple of small walks around the room her legs got stronger and her walk improved but it still isn’t completely normal. Every time she successfully took a step with both feet she would look at me with these giant big brown eyes, looking for approval. I would clap and talk to her with a tone of affirmation, and then kiss her cheek. She made a noise and cracked a smile every time I kissed her. We continued this around the room for a while. But soon she was passed out in my lap on the couch.

I sat with her in my arms reflecting on what just happened. Again I was reminded of myself. Liliana is about a year and 5ish months old, kind of old to walk or even stand for the first time. I didn’t start walking until I was about 18 months. I got around the same way Liliana does (or so I was told), I dragged my feet around, to the point that my parents thought that something may be wrong. They were told that I possibly had Cerebal Palsy. With loving patience, encouragement, and assistance I eventually learned to walk. Comparing Liliana to my own experience broke my heart even more. Liliana experienced one of the biggest moments of her life with a foreigner,  not part of her forever family. She didn’t have her parents there to congratulate her, to help her, to praise her, or simply to just love her. Suddenly I began thinking about her future. I thought about all of the birthdays, milestones, and future accomplishments, with no one to celebrate with, with no one to spend them with. She would be alone. I held her tighter as I felt her precious body rising and falling as she slept. I couldn’t even stand that thought. She would be alone. Completely alone.

Suddenly I was reminded of a verse in the Bible.

“Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.”- Matthew 12: 27

God was reminding me that my precious Liliana (notice the detail that God did not fail to leave out- Lilies vs Liliana) would be held by God and he would never let her go. He would give her joy. He would be with her throughout the rest of her life. He celebrates her life. She is precious to Him and He cares about her.

Little Ones to Him Belong

I wrote the first blog of my lifetime for Show Hope's Blog while we were at Maria's Big House of China. I wanted to repost it to my own blog because what I discovered that day truly changed my viewpoints forever:

God works in amazing, extraordinary, and unexpected ways. I never expected that God would use a mission trip spent playing with precious children to change my life. God has broken me, but built me up more beautiful. Our team has received the challenge to reach out to kids at MBHOH who aren’t always played with, children that don't necessarily respond normally or children who require more attention because of a disability. With that in mind I walked into the Peter Rabbit room today. Without even thinking about it I gravitated towards the kids who were ‘easy’ to love–those who responded quickly to my tickles and who were fun to play with. Suddenly I realized what I was doing. I was avoiding the kids who needed love the most because it was too difficult. I selfishly put my needs and my comforts above these precious children.

I decided to go to the mat where two children with very obvious special needs lay. One little boy responded when I touched him; he used all the energy he had to smile. The other little girl, however, did not respond to anything I did. Things that would make other children laugh, smile, and giggle caused no sort of response from her. It was so discouraging to not get the response I so desperately desired. I became frustrated with myself and with the situation. I wanted to feel the warm feelings of hearing her laugh or seeing her smile, but there was nothing. As I sat staring into her big blinking eyes and looked at her small frail body, my heart broke thinking of the possibility that her mind and her body are not aligned, that she was furiously fighting her body. I prayed that God would give me a sign that she would be okay, that she was content inside. I sat there stroking her just to make sure she knew that I was there. My heart continued to break as I looked into her eyes.

At that moment I did the only thing left that I could do. I began to sing. Or rather I tried to sing. I’ve always been embarrassed to sing out loud, but I thought that this could be one thing I could do for this little girl; I could try to comfort her with my singing. I began singing my favorite childhood song- ‘Jesus Loves Me.’ Softly I sang: ‘Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong; they are weak, but he is strong.’ Unexpected tears began streaming down my face as I sang that line… Little ones to him belong. They are weak, but he is strong. The little girl I sat trying to comfort has a body that was weak, but she has a God who is so strong and loves her so much. That was the sign that I needed. This little girl’s future is in God’s hands and He is strong. He will never let her go. He has His hands wrapped around her. In His arms, she will be comforted.

God's precious little girl named Daisy.

The Danger of Getting Back into Routine

On Tuesday I got back from an eleven day trip in China. The last thing that I ever wanted to do was to leave China and to come home. From the moment that I got off of the plane in Chicago to now, I hate being back in the States.  I hate the distractions and routines that tempt me to forget about China. I am afraid of losing the memories of things that burdened my heart. I am afraid of losing the realization I had that I have the responsibility to tell people about orphans. I am afraid of losing my passion to fight for them, for their lives, for their futures, and for their dignities. As I spend more time here I find myself falling back into routine. My thoughts are becoming absorbed with superficial and unimportant things. If I’m not careful I find myself forgetting their faces, their stories, their laughter, and forgetting what I vowed to myself I would never forget. And with time the good feelings from the trip are fading. I can’t cling to the good feelings but cling to God’s goodness and to the things that He taught me through the hard things that I saw. God gave me my trip to China so that I could see things that would inspire me to fight for his children. But I think that it’s so much easier to give into the distractions here at home. Many of the things that I saw were so heart breaking that it is so much easier and less painful to forget about the suffering faces. It’s so much easier to think about what I’m going to watch on TV tonight, to think about what I’m going to do tomorrow, or to think about what time I want to go to bed. And when I remember a dying child’s face that I saw, I literally feel my soul, heart, and body sink under the weight. I hate that feeling because suddenly I feel guilty. Why am I alive? It’s not fair. Why do I have loving family and friends but they have no one? It’s not fair. Why are they fighting for their lives and I’m worried about what I’m going to watch on TV? It’s not fair. But suddenly I realize that feeling guilty isn’t going to save them. In fact, I’m not going to save them all. I live in a fallen and broken world with pain and hurt, yet God is still a loving and merciful God. He is God and I am not. Jesus is the Savior, and I am not. He has a plan, better than any plan I could ever make up. He is good and He has them wrapped in His arms.

The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
They feast on the abundance of your house,
and you give them drink from the river of your delights.
For with you is the fountain of life;
 in your light do we see light.

                -Psalm 36:7

And because God loves me and he loves every single one of his children, I am sure that He will never let me forget their faces.