Learning to Take a Guilt-free Family Vacation

I’m finally on vacation. After a long school year, a trip to Peru and China, then a week straight of preparation for the next Peru trip, I’m on vacation, trying to relax. Everything is perfect. The lake is peaceful, the birds are singing, the weather is serene, and except for the occasional bat flying around in my room at night, I finally have no distractions. I feel as if I can just sit, be quiet, and think.

But when I do sit down to think and reflect I can’t stop thinking about Maria’s Big House of Hope in China. It’s almost like every time I close my eyes I can see one of their precious faces. Or when I think about how much fun I’m having with my family and suddenly I remember that they don’t have a family. Or when I’m laughing at my parents for being a little bit dorky and I remember that they don’t even have parents. Or when I heard a mouse in my room last night and I ran downstairs to get my dad, who even though he didn’t believe me, he did try to listen for it and I think about the nights that they may have nightmares or hear a scary sound and they don’t have anyone to run to.  

The truth is that it is hard. It’s hard living this life when I’ve seen and thought about their lives. It’s also hard to remember that I can’t feel guilty for my lifestyle but instead I should be thankful. It’s hard to feel an urgency like I always need to be doing something for them, working hard, and not relaxing, but then remembering that even Jesus took time to be alone with himself and God (which is also himself…) without any distractions. He took time to invest in the lives of the people around him instead of always spending time ministering to masses of people.

That’s something that I learned in China. Orphan care is hard but it is also sort of easy to make sacrifices for it because it's orphans.  It’s a struggle with orphan care- to not get so wrapped up in caring for others that I forget about caring for the most important people in my life, my family. But I’ve learned that the more that I care about my family and the harder I try to build up my relationships with them, then the more fervently I can work at orphan care because the more freed I feel.

So in the end, it all goes back to family.

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.

-Proverbs 17:17

Selfish Pity Parties

I once saw a little boy who was dying. Despite my initial reaction to try to ignore it, I could tell that he wouldn’t make it another week. I sat by him, trying to hold back my tears, but at the same time all I could think about was my many material things that I had at home- my little car, my precious computer, and my beautiful room. I thought about every time that I wished I had ‘more’ and ‘better’; the times that I wished my car was brand new, my computer was faster, and my room was bigger. For that reason I hated myself at that moment. I was so selfish and I needed to see a dying little boy to realize it. At that moment I vowed to myself that I would never again be selfish. There was nothing I could do for this little boy, I couldn’t save him and I couldn’t really even comfort him; but I knew that I never again would have anything to be selfish about.

The problem with humans? With myself? I’m awful at keeping promises, even with myself. Because I’m sinful and selfish. Within moments and even days of being home I broke my promise and I was selfish again.

My blatant hypocrisy didn’t hit me until the other day. I was lying in bed with a sinus infection.  My head hurt, my throat hurt, I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted it to stop. My mom was on a much deserved vacation, and my dad was taking a much deserved nap. No one was coming to ‘comfort’ me. I selfishly began to cry. I started crying because no one was there. Not because I was in pain, but because no one was next to me. But suddenly I stopped. What was I doing? Sure, I was sick. Sure, I didn’t feel good. But I do have support, I do have people who love me, they just weren’t there at that moment. They didn’t need to be there to know that they love me. All of a sudden I couldn’t get that precious little boy’s face out of my head. He was dying and had NO ONE. I wasn’t dying. I just had a cold but I have everyone, my family, my parents. I had no reason or right to cry. I was fine. That day I decided that it was time that I tried my hardest to stop my selfish pity parties and instead channel my energy and emotion to doing all I can for those less fortunate, for those more desperate than me, and for those who haven’t yet received the free gift of salvation. It’s time that I stop worrying about myself and instead give myself to God’s work, fully and completely.

Philippians 2:3

But in humility count others more significant than yourselves

My Precious Lilies from Maria's Big House

I’m often asked how China went. Simply said, it was the best trip I’ve ever been on. The reason was because my soul was heavy with desperation, but I felt relief in God’s goodness. My heart was darkened with pain, but God gave me a peace because of the hope and the joy that I can find in him.



Liliana

There was a day that I experienced a giant milestone of every child’s life- their first steps. I played with a little girl named Liliana. She is a precious and solemn little girl. She’s the observer. Anyone who walks into the room is succumbed to the gaze her big brown eyes. She rarely shows emotion but is obviously very attentive to what is going on around her. From almost the moment I met her she reminded me of myself. I love watching people, but I don’t really like to reveal my real feelings.

I had been in her room a lot this week and she would always just sit there and stare. Surprisingly, she would let me pick her up, hold her, and play with her. About halfway through the day she was playing intently playing with my camera until the nannies brought a walker into the room to help the kids learn how to walk. Lilana immediately observed this new toy and decided she wanted to play with this tow. I took her over to it, thinking that she would just touch it and then be done. But she wanted to stand up with it.

This was the first time that I had seen her stand up and I assumed that it was the first time she had ever stood up, based on the reaction of the nannies. Usually she would scooted and crawled without using her legs much. But soon we were slowly walking around the room with the walker. I would gently pull it and she would move her feet to move along with it. At first her legs were very weak and unstable, within a couple of small walks around the room her legs got stronger and her walk improved but it still isn’t completely normal. Every time she successfully took a step with both feet she would look at me with these giant big brown eyes, looking for approval. I would clap and talk to her with a tone of affirmation, and then kiss her cheek. She made a noise and cracked a smile every time I kissed her. We continued this around the room for a while. But soon she was passed out in my lap on the couch.

I sat with her in my arms reflecting on what just happened. Again I was reminded of myself. Liliana is about a year and 5ish months old, kind of old to walk or even stand for the first time. I didn’t start walking until I was about 18 months. I got around the same way Liliana does (or so I was told), I dragged my feet around, to the point that my parents thought that something may be wrong. They were told that I possibly had Cerebal Palsy. With loving patience, encouragement, and assistance I eventually learned to walk. Comparing Liliana to my own experience broke my heart even more. Liliana experienced one of the biggest moments of her life with a foreigner,  not part of her forever family. She didn’t have her parents there to congratulate her, to help her, to praise her, or simply to just love her. Suddenly I began thinking about her future. I thought about all of the birthdays, milestones, and future accomplishments, with no one to celebrate with, with no one to spend them with. She would be alone. I held her tighter as I felt her precious body rising and falling as she slept. I couldn’t even stand that thought. She would be alone. Completely alone.

Suddenly I was reminded of a verse in the Bible.

“Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.”- Matthew 12: 27

God was reminding me that my precious Liliana (notice the detail that God did not fail to leave out- Lilies vs Liliana) would be held by God and he would never let her go. He would give her joy. He would be with her throughout the rest of her life. He celebrates her life. She is precious to Him and He cares about her.

Little Ones to Him Belong

I wrote the first blog of my lifetime for Show Hope's Blog while we were at Maria's Big House of China. I wanted to repost it to my own blog because what I discovered that day truly changed my viewpoints forever:

God works in amazing, extraordinary, and unexpected ways. I never expected that God would use a mission trip spent playing with precious children to change my life. God has broken me, but built me up more beautiful. Our team has received the challenge to reach out to kids at MBHOH who aren’t always played with, children that don't necessarily respond normally or children who require more attention because of a disability. With that in mind I walked into the Peter Rabbit room today. Without even thinking about it I gravitated towards the kids who were ‘easy’ to love–those who responded quickly to my tickles and who were fun to play with. Suddenly I realized what I was doing. I was avoiding the kids who needed love the most because it was too difficult. I selfishly put my needs and my comforts above these precious children.

I decided to go to the mat where two children with very obvious special needs lay. One little boy responded when I touched him; he used all the energy he had to smile. The other little girl, however, did not respond to anything I did. Things that would make other children laugh, smile, and giggle caused no sort of response from her. It was so discouraging to not get the response I so desperately desired. I became frustrated with myself and with the situation. I wanted to feel the warm feelings of hearing her laugh or seeing her smile, but there was nothing. As I sat staring into her big blinking eyes and looked at her small frail body, my heart broke thinking of the possibility that her mind and her body are not aligned, that she was furiously fighting her body. I prayed that God would give me a sign that she would be okay, that she was content inside. I sat there stroking her just to make sure she knew that I was there. My heart continued to break as I looked into her eyes.

At that moment I did the only thing left that I could do. I began to sing. Or rather I tried to sing. I’ve always been embarrassed to sing out loud, but I thought that this could be one thing I could do for this little girl; I could try to comfort her with my singing. I began singing my favorite childhood song- ‘Jesus Loves Me.’ Softly I sang: ‘Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong; they are weak, but he is strong.’ Unexpected tears began streaming down my face as I sang that line… Little ones to him belong. They are weak, but he is strong. The little girl I sat trying to comfort has a body that was weak, but she has a God who is so strong and loves her so much. That was the sign that I needed. This little girl’s future is in God’s hands and He is strong. He will never let her go. He has His hands wrapped around her. In His arms, she will be comforted.

God's precious little girl named Daisy.

The Danger of Getting Back into Routine

On Tuesday I got back from an eleven day trip in China. The last thing that I ever wanted to do was to leave China and to come home. From the moment that I got off of the plane in Chicago to now, I hate being back in the States.  I hate the distractions and routines that tempt me to forget about China. I am afraid of losing the memories of things that burdened my heart. I am afraid of losing the realization I had that I have the responsibility to tell people about orphans. I am afraid of losing my passion to fight for them, for their lives, for their futures, and for their dignities. As I spend more time here I find myself falling back into routine. My thoughts are becoming absorbed with superficial and unimportant things. If I’m not careful I find myself forgetting their faces, their stories, their laughter, and forgetting what I vowed to myself I would never forget. And with time the good feelings from the trip are fading. I can’t cling to the good feelings but cling to God’s goodness and to the things that He taught me through the hard things that I saw. God gave me my trip to China so that I could see things that would inspire me to fight for his children. But I think that it’s so much easier to give into the distractions here at home. Many of the things that I saw were so heart breaking that it is so much easier and less painful to forget about the suffering faces. It’s so much easier to think about what I’m going to watch on TV tonight, to think about what I’m going to do tomorrow, or to think about what time I want to go to bed. And when I remember a dying child’s face that I saw, I literally feel my soul, heart, and body sink under the weight. I hate that feeling because suddenly I feel guilty. Why am I alive? It’s not fair. Why do I have loving family and friends but they have no one? It’s not fair. Why are they fighting for their lives and I’m worried about what I’m going to watch on TV? It’s not fair. But suddenly I realize that feeling guilty isn’t going to save them. In fact, I’m not going to save them all. I live in a fallen and broken world with pain and hurt, yet God is still a loving and merciful God. He is God and I am not. Jesus is the Savior, and I am not. He has a plan, better than any plan I could ever make up. He is good and He has them wrapped in His arms.

The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
They feast on the abundance of your house,
and you give them drink from the river of your delights.
For with you is the fountain of life;
 in your light do we see light.

                -Psalm 36:7

And because God loves me and he loves every single one of his children, I am sure that He will never let me forget their faces.