As Feelings Fade: November 2014

Orphan girl on fire. That was me.

People saw me as a teenager who was sacrificing time, energy, and my social status for the sake of "the least of these".

And I pushed on. I was influencing lives left and right. And I was unstoppable.

Until I had the chance to get on a plane, fly to China, and care for orphans for three months. It was what the 16 year old me had dreamed of and the 20 year old me dreaded. I kicked and I screamed. China. The last place on earth that I wanted to be.

But I went. The Lord in his proverbial goodness more or less forced me to go. Or at least that's what it felt like. I found myself there embracing children in my arms but not really in my heart. I was no longer broken for the plight of the orphan. My heart had finally become burned out. And I was on the other side of the world caring for the very children that I no longer felt like I had the capacity to care for.

So I did some intense soul searching and desperate cries unto the Lord. And in the smoggy breezes, He began to answer my cries by revealing to me the history of my heart and my actions.

I came face to face with the ugly thing that I had propelled me for the longest time- Guilt.

I remember the first time that I stepped foot in an orphanage at age 15. Hundreds of children were surrounding us with their excited grins and I was overwhelmed. We heard stories of unimaginable pain that many of the children experienced. And their heart wrenching stories hit me like a slap in my westernized, sheltered face.

So I walked away determined to do something. The determinations were planted by God but accompanied by unwelcomed guilt. And every time that I visited orphans in their plight, my determination to do something grew, but so did my guilt.

Perhaps I felt guilty because I was no longer sheltered. Or perhaps it was because I could easily run from their pain, home to a mother and a father who loved me, in a house full of food, water, and everything that I could possibly what or need... And as I remembered their faces in the comfort of my seemingly wealthy life, I felt guilty.

Over time, guilt began to rear its ugly head. My family would go out to eat... Think of all the children starving. I would buy a new dress... Think of how many children this money could clothe. I would drive my car... Think about how many children you could save if you sold this. Over and over, I was reminded of what I had and what they did not.

Guilt had quietly and without my apparent knowledge driven me. Love and joy also inspired me, but on days that were hard, I often found myself relying on guilt to guide me instead of Jesus. It pushed me and pushed me. It pushed me all the way to China. I had to go because I had so much and they had so little... my guilt was about to swallow me whole.

In China, I finally stood before the Lord, desperate for redemption for my hardened heart.

My child, He said, I do not bless you to force you into guilty submission. I bless you because I love you. Besides, my child, you are the same as them. You may have a family and more ‘things’, but you and these orphaned children are the same. You both are broken people, in need of my redemption. You are no better than them. So, do not serve them because you have to. Serve them because you get to and because you love me.

They are my children, precious and holy, take care of them, love them, and bestow the many blessings that I have given you upon them.

After this soul searching journey, I looked at each of these children differently. These children were not beings of despair but rather people of unlimited redemption. The brokenness in their stories and their lives simply left more room for God’s redeeming work, and I was privileged to play a part.

The Lord does not bless us to force us into guilty submission. He blesses us because He loves us. And we serve because we love Him.

To Him Be All The Glory.