Wishing to Return

Within the past week, I had a lot of time to sit and think. My mind was empty, I was somewhat at peace, I had nothing to do, and I thought I was spiritually ready to move away from missing China. Instead, when my mind was empty and quiet, it was suddenly flooded with memories about precious children that I had left behind in China, in Peru, and in Haiti. I found myself repeating their names and their faces in my head. In moments when I was sitting in the quiet of God's nature, I heard their laughs and their cries, in moments when I was watching the sun setting, I saw their precious eyes, and when I sat still on the waters my arms ached to hold them again. I had finally become fully burdened. I couldn't forget about them. I couldn't move on and I suddenly found myself wishing to return like I've never wished before.

Weeks ago my friend posed the question of how beneficial a simple 'return' could be. I couldn't change their situation, my return wouldn't give them a brighter future, and my return wouldn't suddenly give them a family. Amidst my desperate and sudden desire to be back I realized that she was right all along. Even if I did return, they wouldn't suddenly be saved.

I began questioning myself as to why I wanted to return so badly. I realized that it was because I wanted to know that they are okay. When they are in my arms, whether laughing, crying, or sleeping, I know that for the moment they are okay. They are safe, warm, and well fed, and I am comforted.  I had forgotten that these children aren't mine; they're God's and in his arms will they be taken care of and comforted.

I know that God is there with them, but it's still a daily struggle and I am still burdened daily. One night I was searching for comfort from God within his Word. He revealed the perfect passage:

For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength hat we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.

I have SEEn things that have burdened my heart and my soul to the very depths, sometimes to the point that I wish I had never seen them. But although I may be burdened, God has taken my burdens away and he has them now in his hands and in him do I find hope. A hope that is not wishful or uncertain, but a definite and promising hope that my Jesus is good and that he takes care of ALL children. God is good.

God has my precious Emily in his hands. He will comfort her. He is good. He is my Savior and he is her Savior.