#soblessed

You've read those posts. "Just got a new car! So blessed!" or "Had an awesome time with friends! So blessed!" or "My family is the best family in the world! So blessed!" In fact, you've probably seen a tweet, a post, or something of the sort that I myself have written in the past. Something good happens, so of course, I'm 'blessed.'

So, what happens when my family is fighting? I'm not doing well in school and I'm not having fun with my friends? Are all of my 'blessings' gone?

I struggle with anxiety. Some of you know, most of you don't. A couple of years ago I had a near death experience in Peru. I had an allergic reaction to some medication and literally almost met Jesus. It changed my life forever…

There are hours, days, and even weeks when I struggle with anxiety and with the feeling of dying... again. It is different than anxiety before a test or anxiety over a 'hard situation'. This anxiety is paralyzing, terrifying, and there are moments when nothing can make it better… I feel as if my throat will close up and I'll stop breathing.

On my last trip to Haiti, this past summer, for some reason I experienced the anxiety like never before. I had images of dying. I felt like I was dying. I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything. I tried to focus on breathing but sometimes I focused so hard I stopped. I was laying awake for hours and hours. I couldn't go outside and play with kids because thoughts of dying consumed my mind. Needless to say, I was angry but I was also struggling with what to 'cling to' for comfort.

After my experience in Peru I clung to the idea that every breath is a gift from God. However, as I sat in Haiti feeling as if death was surely around the corner I realized that perhaps my thinking was flawed. Everyone eventually dies. Everyone stops breathing at one point or another… so if I did die now, does that mean God had decided to stop giving me the gift of breaths?

He reminded me of this verse:

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:  a time to be born and a time to die... I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. " (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Perhaps instead I should cling to the fact that God has some plan that is bigger than me… he knows when I should breathe and when I should stop. God's gift to me is his ultimate, unfathomable plan for me.

Okay, so what does that have to do with blessings?

My breathes are equivalent to the way I have always thought of blessings. When all the good things stop coming does that mean that God has decided to stop blessing us?

I found this description of blessing:

"The Hebrew word בָּרוּךְ (blessed) conveys the idea of being strengthened, of our weakness being compensated for with God’s strength. The field of meaning of its root (ברך) is “to kneel, bless, praise, salute.” (http://adiakrisis.wordpress.com/hebraic-observations-on-the-creation-narrative-genesis-11-23/day-5-the-biblical-meaning-of-blessing/> )

I think most of us have the idea of a 'blessing' wrong. I don't know about you but my new shoes and my car and my awesome friends and everything else that I consider a 'blessing' do not show God's strength through my weakness.

Dying in Peru shows God's strength through my weakness. Overcoming tough relationships shows God's strength through my weakness. Praying for my enemies shows God's strength through my weakness. My helplessness and hopelessness make me kneel before my Maker… and in those things I am truly blessed.

James 1:12 says

"Blessed are those who persevere under trial, because when they have stood the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

In other words, blessed are those who fall on their knees and let God's strength shine through.

So perhaps the next time I'm struggling anxiety and with life I'll tweet about my life being truly 'blessed' as I fall on my knees in complete and utter weakness and He brings Strength.