Home

Lots of people ache emotionally. It is an ache that starts in your soul and spreads to your inner most being and then continues to spread until it feels like it has reached your very bones . Some ache for places: the ache to return to the place that you fell so deeply in love with because you gave so much of your heart away.

My soul aches for Haiti.  It is not because I hate the life or the place that I live in now. In fact, I'm thankful for the life that God has given me. I simply do not feel at Home here in the world that I have grown up in. Months ago my thoughts, prayers, and actions were consumed by the desire to return or the longing to just be there. I had convinced myself that if I could just stand in Haiti I would be where I belonged. Everything would feel right.

So, a couple of weeks ago my feet were covered with Haitian dust. The crazy thing is even as I stood in the country that I love so much I still was not completely satisfied. I was at peace, I was happy, and I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. But there was a small portion of my hear that was still telling me that I don't belong in Haiti either.

Frustrated, I cried out to God: "I yearn for Haiti when I am in the States and when I'm in Haiti I don't feel completely at peace… where am I supposed to be?"

Almost as if he was smiling, God revealed the truth. The truth is why realty reality TV has couples searching for homes and buying a house that they are never completely happy with. It's why people move from house to house searching for a home. Our home doesn't exist on this earth. We were made to live with our heavenly father. Our home is in Heaven. I could travel all around the world searching for where I feel most at home, but I will never ever find that place. Not until I go to be with my Heavenly father will I be Home.

When I travel on trips I never want to come back to Tennessee. But, my favorite part of returning is coming off of the plane, turning the corner in the airport, and running to my parents arms. I love burying my body in their embracement. I feel like all of my problems and doubts melt away. That is what heaven is going to feel like, but better. We will run into the embrace of our Heavenly Father. Everything will be made new.

The reason that I feel so much more at home in Haiti then I do in my house is because on mission trips, we are living out God's calling, we are close to his will, and we are living what we were made to do. We are closer to his heart and so we are moving closer to where we belong, closer to home.

So, Home isn't a place anymore. Home is when and where I obey and listen to the will of God.

Home is where the heart is and my heart is with Jesus.

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your

mind.'

-Matthew 22:37 

Mission Trip Mornings

According to my Human Anatomy Textbook smell is one of the best triggers of memories. That's why when you smell cookies baking it reminds you of that time that you were making Christmas cookies with grandma. Or when you smell a barn it reminds you of the field trip you went on in fifth grade… random things.  God gave us smell to identify and to remember. The smell that triggers a flood of emotions for me is 'foreign country.' Every country smells differently. When you step off of the plane into a brand new world a flood of scents fill your nostrils. It's that smell and that atmosphere that I often miss.

So, God reminds me. On some brisk early mornings as I walk into school as I step into a street and cross the road I get a whiff of something… and it reminds me of foreign countries and mission trip mornings. I like to call them mission trip mornings because they are distinctive. They are the mornings waking up early to the literal crow of a rooster or the buzz of a street, pulling myself out of bed, and rubbing my eyes as I remember where I am- not at home. My body longs to lay back down and fall back asleep but my mind disagrees, the day is full of potential. Those are the days that could be life changing. New experiences are calling my name. I wake up joyous and ready. Mission trip mornings often involve a quick breakfast and a fast jump onto a bus to head to some new place.

But, why would God remind me of mission trip mornings as I walk into school? Why would God remind me of mornings that I love on mornings that I hate? Why would God remind me of days and weeks that I love on hours that I despise in school? Why would God remind me of a people that I love while I'm stuck with teenagers that I find annoying? And with prayer I realize that He does it not to create a longing, but to remind me that every day should be a 'mission'. So, as I walk into school I should embrace my peers that make my cringe. I should keep my eyes open for God's movement. I should strive to understand the people that I spend seven hours a day five days a week with. I should live expecting every day to be life changing instead of just going through the routine.

On one of these mornings I decided to make it a 'mission trip' morning in school and my world was flipped around. All of a sudden I see the egotistical guy that sits in front of me as a soul hungry to feel accepted.  I see the girl who shares her opinions (that I often don't agree with) too much as a soul who needs to see the truth.  I see the girl that I've known for years and never invested in a relationship with her as a heart striving to be loved and to love. I see the guy who strives to 'fit in' as somebody who needs to feel needed. I have been placed into an atmosphere that needs the truth.

But, that day also scared me. I saw so many lost souls that my heart ached. I realized that there is no shying away from the truth- everyone of my peers who is not a believer will one day stand before Jesus Christ and finally see the truth-Jesus reigns and is the true Savior of the world. And it's this image that scares me to death. I am afraid of a moment when my friend turns to me and says "Why didn't you tell me?"

So, my greatest fear is not that I live an insignificant life. My greatest fear is that I have insignificant relationships, that I have insignificant days, and that when my peers look at me my relationship with Christ will be seen as insignificant.

It is on those mornings that I get a whiff that I remember what I'm living for. God has given me a hard 'mission': The 'field' I don't exactly love, the people I haven't always appreciated,  and I would much rather remain indifferent. But, this is where God is trusting me to be his vessel. Ready or not high school here I come.

Dear Liliana: Praying

Dear Liliana,

Today, I saw a child that reminded me of you. All I could see was his body as his face was buried into his mother, but his jet black hair and small frame reminded me of you. I felt like my stomach dropped to my knees for those few brief seconds when I really believed that it was you. Oh, how I miss you. Oh, how I worry about you. I love you, more than you will probably ever know. You are precious to me, special to me, and I pray that one day you can feel a love like the one that I have for you.

I babysat two little children today. As we run around the house going to the 'beach' and 'camping', I realize how much I love these little children. But, the minute that I realized how much fun I was really having and how much I was really enjoying myself, I realized that I wanted to be with you. I want to swoop you into my arms and hold you close to my body, only to let you go so that we can go off and play together. You can drag me around,  we can play with dolls and you can live, just like a precious little girl should.

But, instead of holding you in my arms, I post your picture around my room, my phone, my computer, my car, wherever I can so that when I see your bold eyes and your dark hair I can pray fervently to our God, praying for your forever family. There are nights when I can't sleep, because when I close my eyes, I think about you. I wonder where you are, I wonder what you are doing, and I wonder how you are feeling. God has given my heart a burden for the plight of orphans all around the world, but he has burdened my life and my soul with you. There are days when I wonder why I can't stop thinking and worrying about you and there are days when I want to cry out to God in anger because I wish I had never met you, the burden seems too heavy to carry. How can I live my life, knowing that on the other side of the world, you live a life, void of a family? And how can I continue live comfortably when the love that I feel for you weighs heavy on my mind?

I pray, that one day our paths will cross again. I pray that you will have a forever family that loves you and cherishes you through all of your days. And I pray that I will never ever forget you and that I will never ever stop praying on your behalf. I pray that God will bring you little comforts and little joys throughout your day and that when you close your eyes to sleep at night, you will have sweet dreams.  I pray that one day you will see the light, life, and love that Jesus brings us and that one day you will allow him to be your savior so that we can spend eternity together in heaven. I am praying for you. And I love you.

Love,

Sarah

Dear Liliana

 My precious Liliana,

I can't get you off my mind today. Your little face has been plastered in my mind, your precious little words and voice are stuck ringing in my years, and your beautiful brown eyes have been digging deep into my soul; it's almost as if you were here with me, in my arms. Oh darling, how I pray that one day, you may rest in someone's arms. Day and night I pray that somehow, in his wondrous ways, God will give you a forever family. A family that will love you, cherish you, and express to you how special and worthy you really are.

I know that you have moments when you realize you aren't like all of the other children. Something just isn't right, but no one is really sure what's wrong with your body.  I wish somebody knew what was wrong, so that they could help you.  To me, you are precious no matter what, but I fall on my knees in earnest prayer for you. I let  tears stream down my face as I cry out to God for your sake. I wish that you could run and play like all the other little children, that you could manage somewhat by yourself, and that your little body functioned normally. It breaks my heart that no one is  carefully taking time with you, to carefully check your little body, to carefully observe you, to carefully take x-rays, to carefully take your temperature, or to carefully diagnose you, so that we could carefully figure out how to heal you.

You are the reason that I cried Liliana. The other day I got to tour a big hospital in my city that takes care of disabled or sick children, children like you. It is one of the best hospitals in our country. I was on a special floor where they take the sickest of the sickest, they figure out what's wrong with them and they help them get better. It was amazing how much care and love each patient was receiving. A team of doctors and nurses attended each child and knew what each patient's situation was and spent a lot of time trying to figure out to help each patient.  The hospital itself was breathtaking and wonderful. But, I couldn't help but think of you.

I want you to have  team of nurses and doctors that will spend however long it takes just to figure out what you need, just to figure out what makes you most comfortable, just to care for you. Every bone in my body wanted to fly quickly and pick you up, bring you back with me and set you in one of those beds. And after bringing you here, I wanted to run up and down the hallways yelling- "COME LOOK AT HER! She needs help! Please, help her! I love her." And in my prayerful vision you would be healed, you would be happy and safe, and your body would be 'normal'.

But, this world is not 'fair' and you have done nothing wrong to 'deserve' your situation, it is the result of a sinful and broken world. I wish with every part of my being that you could be here and I could hold you and love on you and care for you. Instead, you sit on the other side of the world. I'm not sure if you are still alive and well, I'm not sure what you are doing at this moment- eating, taking a bath, playing, crying, but I do know you are breaking my heart. From half way around the world. So, although I cant come pick you up and bring you to one of the best hospitals in the world, I will run through the hallways of my life and I will cry out on behalf of  all orphans and their plight. I will scream so that others may see that they need help. I will fight a fight that the orphans of the world may not be able to fight for themselves, all because of you.

I love you so much! I pray that the next time I see you, you will  be with your forever family, and alive and well. ;) I love you, my baby girl.

Sarah

Beautiful Things

I returned on Saturday from Peru. It was yet another eye-opening, unforgettable, life-changing, God inspired, humbling trip. And on the last day- Friday, nothing was appealing or exciting about coming home. I wanted to stay. Badly. Sure, I couldn't wait to take a hot shower, to eat some American food that wasn't rice, chicken, or potatoes, and to see my friends and family. But there was just something about leaving that day that I didn't want to have to go through. I didn't want to feel the pain of leaving my second family behind, never knowing if I would ever see them again, of leaving a lifestyle and a country that I had fallen in love with, of leaving a place where I felt more close to God then I was when I was at home, of leaving behind an  orphanage filled with hundreds of precious children, of coming home to a selfish and ignorant society.

All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around a pole. They would have to pry me away and drag me back home.

On the last day I had some time to myself where I was able just to sit and listen to my music, hoping to hear guidance from God.

The church that I stayed at was five stories tall and a lot of it was open to the outside. I was sitting on a stairwell and looking out over the city of Comas, Peru, reflecting. Comas is hard to explain, unless you've been there. The city is made of brick, cement, stone, and cardboard and it's covered in layers of dust.  I was both in awe and despair as I stared out at the city. My heart felt burdened for the people of the city, for those that were suffering, for those that needed a savior, and for those who didn't know Their Savior. I suddenly became very discouraged. How much could I do? I had been to Peru four times before and I didn't see any difference. What was the point?

I had become desperate to know why and so I finally began straining to hear God's voice, and I heard it playing in my ears- a song called "Beautiful Things". Tears began streaming down my face.

The Beginning of the song sounded like my cry to Jesus:

All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all

And as I looked out at Comas, a city where very little grows, I was crying out to Jesus- "Could anything ever grow in this place?" But, God answered in the song.

[I] make beautiful things

[I] make beautiful things out of the dust

[I] make beautiful things

[I] make beautiful things out of [you]

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in [Me]

Out of dusty Comas, he made it beautiful.  I realized that it was BEAUTIFUL. Amidst the dirt, and the chaos. The city was breathtaking. The people, amidst their chaos and amidst their hardships- Jesus was giving them life. Period. I couldn't make the city or the people something that they weren't. But, God has a plan for Comas and those people. They are beautiful because He made every brick, stone, and piece of cardboard that makes up Comas. He made every single person in Comas. Every single person's soul is beautiful with Jesus. Period.

The Uncomplicated Simplicity

I have to be right. I have to know everything. I have to have it all figured out. I have to understand. I have to have it all together. And in those often times that I'm not perfect, I fake it all. I can't be dumb, I can't be imperfect, I can't be inadequate, and I can't fail. I must be perfect. End of story. There are days that I am sorely disappointed in myself and life- I'm not perfect. I know nothing, I sin all the time, I can't even figure out my own emotions, and don't understand anything. But someone else is perfect for me. Jesus Christ came to earth in human form and was perfect and is perfect. He has erased my sins and now I'm free. I don't have to be perfect. I am sinful, I am human, and I am forgiven. So why do I always forget that?

I try to be in control. I make things more complicated then they really are. I try to figure the world out, when God has already figured it all out for me. I just have to trust in him. Period.

Jesus is my Savior; I am not my Savior. Period. Jesus is perfect; I am not. Period. It's so revolutionary, yet it's so simple.

The other night I was laying out beneath the stars talking to my friend on the phone. Stars are something that I take for granted. If you've ever just laid beneath them and stared up into their depths you see how magnificent they are. They seem so simple, so perfect in the sky, and so breathtaking. I love reflecting beneath the stars.

We were talking about the pain associated with dealing with what we've seen in China, and about the feelings of hopelessness that we can sometimes feel. I was staring at the stars listening to what she said when suddenly she said something that literally made me stop breathing- "God has gone before us and after us." (Deuteronomy 31) Those words  shook me so hard because I suddenly realized how simple it was. God had created every orphan that I have held, and he created them and loved them long before I had ever held them. He was going to be with them long after I was gone. What was I fearing? God has them in his hands. As I stared at the stars I felt like kicking myself for my stupid complications. If God had made these beautiful, magnificent, and amazing stars then what was I fearing? Why was I hopeless? God made the heavens and the stars, just as he made every single child. Just as he held the stars in the skies, he was holding those children. It was so simple. They had hope. Period. I have hope. Period.

A couple of nights later I was struggling with understanding what I had to do to become more like Christ. I was struggling with feeling defeated in life, struggling with relationships, and struggling with understanding where I belonged in the world. I couldn't really decide my next step. What did God want me to do? I decided to just open my bible and start reading. I began reading passages that Paul (my favorite missionary) wrote. I was reading the words without really absorbing anything, when suddenly I read something revolutionary- "Above all else, love each other deeply." What?! That was it. Love each other deeply. That’s all I have to do. Love. Period. Love each other deeply. Again, it was so simple. Love my siblings, love my parents, love non-believers, love my enemies, love those annoying people, love my peers, and love my God. Period.

I am slowly gaining understanding that God's love isn't complicated, it's simple. He loves me just because. He has it all figured out for me. Period. It's no longer complicated. It's uncomplicated simplicity.

Wishing to Return

Within the past week, I had a lot of time to sit and think. My mind was empty, I was somewhat at peace, I had nothing to do, and I thought I was spiritually ready to move away from missing China. Instead, when my mind was empty and quiet, it was suddenly flooded with memories about precious children that I had left behind in China, in Peru, and in Haiti. I found myself repeating their names and their faces in my head. In moments when I was sitting in the quiet of God's nature, I heard their laughs and their cries, in moments when I was watching the sun setting, I saw their precious eyes, and when I sat still on the waters my arms ached to hold them again. I had finally become fully burdened. I couldn't forget about them. I couldn't move on and I suddenly found myself wishing to return like I've never wished before.

Weeks ago my friend posed the question of how beneficial a simple 'return' could be. I couldn't change their situation, my return wouldn't give them a brighter future, and my return wouldn't suddenly give them a family. Amidst my desperate and sudden desire to be back I realized that she was right all along. Even if I did return, they wouldn't suddenly be saved.

I began questioning myself as to why I wanted to return so badly. I realized that it was because I wanted to know that they are okay. When they are in my arms, whether laughing, crying, or sleeping, I know that for the moment they are okay. They are safe, warm, and well fed, and I am comforted.  I had forgotten that these children aren't mine; they're God's and in his arms will they be taken care of and comforted.

I know that God is there with them, but it's still a daily struggle and I am still burdened daily. One night I was searching for comfort from God within his Word. He revealed the perfect passage:

For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength hat we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.

I have SEEn things that have burdened my heart and my soul to the very depths, sometimes to the point that I wish I had never seen them. But although I may be burdened, God has taken my burdens away and he has them now in his hands and in him do I find hope. A hope that is not wishful or uncertain, but a definite and promising hope that my Jesus is good and that he takes care of ALL children. God is good.

God has my precious Emily in his hands. He will comfort her. He is good. He is my Savior and he is her Savior.