The Uncomplicated Simplicity

I have to be right. I have to know everything. I have to have it all figured out. I have to understand. I have to have it all together. And in those often times that I'm not perfect, I fake it all. I can't be dumb, I can't be imperfect, I can't be inadequate, and I can't fail. I must be perfect. End of story. There are days that I am sorely disappointed in myself and life- I'm not perfect. I know nothing, I sin all the time, I can't even figure out my own emotions, and don't understand anything. But someone else is perfect for me. Jesus Christ came to earth in human form and was perfect and is perfect. He has erased my sins and now I'm free. I don't have to be perfect. I am sinful, I am human, and I am forgiven. So why do I always forget that?

I try to be in control. I make things more complicated then they really are. I try to figure the world out, when God has already figured it all out for me. I just have to trust in him. Period.

Jesus is my Savior; I am not my Savior. Period. Jesus is perfect; I am not. Period. It's so revolutionary, yet it's so simple.

The other night I was laying out beneath the stars talking to my friend on the phone. Stars are something that I take for granted. If you've ever just laid beneath them and stared up into their depths you see how magnificent they are. They seem so simple, so perfect in the sky, and so breathtaking. I love reflecting beneath the stars.

We were talking about the pain associated with dealing with what we've seen in China, and about the feelings of hopelessness that we can sometimes feel. I was staring at the stars listening to what she said when suddenly she said something that literally made me stop breathing- "God has gone before us and after us." (Deuteronomy 31) Those words  shook me so hard because I suddenly realized how simple it was. God had created every orphan that I have held, and he created them and loved them long before I had ever held them. He was going to be with them long after I was gone. What was I fearing? God has them in his hands. As I stared at the stars I felt like kicking myself for my stupid complications. If God had made these beautiful, magnificent, and amazing stars then what was I fearing? Why was I hopeless? God made the heavens and the stars, just as he made every single child. Just as he held the stars in the skies, he was holding those children. It was so simple. They had hope. Period. I have hope. Period.

A couple of nights later I was struggling with understanding what I had to do to become more like Christ. I was struggling with feeling defeated in life, struggling with relationships, and struggling with understanding where I belonged in the world. I couldn't really decide my next step. What did God want me to do? I decided to just open my bible and start reading. I began reading passages that Paul (my favorite missionary) wrote. I was reading the words without really absorbing anything, when suddenly I read something revolutionary- "Above all else, love each other deeply." What?! That was it. Love each other deeply. That’s all I have to do. Love. Period. Love each other deeply. Again, it was so simple. Love my siblings, love my parents, love non-believers, love my enemies, love those annoying people, love my peers, and love my God. Period.

I am slowly gaining understanding that God's love isn't complicated, it's simple. He loves me just because. He has it all figured out for me. Period. It's no longer complicated. It's uncomplicated simplicity.

Wishing to Return

Within the past week, I had a lot of time to sit and think. My mind was empty, I was somewhat at peace, I had nothing to do, and I thought I was spiritually ready to move away from missing China. Instead, when my mind was empty and quiet, it was suddenly flooded with memories about precious children that I had left behind in China, in Peru, and in Haiti. I found myself repeating their names and their faces in my head. In moments when I was sitting in the quiet of God's nature, I heard their laughs and their cries, in moments when I was watching the sun setting, I saw their precious eyes, and when I sat still on the waters my arms ached to hold them again. I had finally become fully burdened. I couldn't forget about them. I couldn't move on and I suddenly found myself wishing to return like I've never wished before.

Weeks ago my friend posed the question of how beneficial a simple 'return' could be. I couldn't change their situation, my return wouldn't give them a brighter future, and my return wouldn't suddenly give them a family. Amidst my desperate and sudden desire to be back I realized that she was right all along. Even if I did return, they wouldn't suddenly be saved.

I began questioning myself as to why I wanted to return so badly. I realized that it was because I wanted to know that they are okay. When they are in my arms, whether laughing, crying, or sleeping, I know that for the moment they are okay. They are safe, warm, and well fed, and I am comforted.  I had forgotten that these children aren't mine; they're God's and in his arms will they be taken care of and comforted.

I know that God is there with them, but it's still a daily struggle and I am still burdened daily. One night I was searching for comfort from God within his Word. He revealed the perfect passage:

For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength hat we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.

I have SEEn things that have burdened my heart and my soul to the very depths, sometimes to the point that I wish I had never seen them. But although I may be burdened, God has taken my burdens away and he has them now in his hands and in him do I find hope. A hope that is not wishful or uncertain, but a definite and promising hope that my Jesus is good and that he takes care of ALL children. God is good.

God has my precious Emily in his hands. He will comfort her. He is good. He is my Savior and he is her Savior.